My Story With Religion

I was born into a kind of secular Catholic family. My family was not practicing and half of them were strictly atheists, but also culturally Christians. I went to a Catholic school. So, I was religious (probably more than my family), as I believed in God and it was important for me. But nothing else. I didn't practice it. Fast forward to my teens, I had an spiritual crisis and lost my faith in Christianity. At the time, I also started being depressed. So, life was kinda hellish. I tried to hold onto something and believed in things like crystal gems, minerals, karma energy and basically new age spirituality, but that wasn't a deep rooted belief. So, I still felt empty.
Years passed and I got introduced to Islam. By the time, I was frequenting feminist spaces and was introduced to Islamic feminism. I fell in love with it. I loved the good things the Muslim feminists told me about the Koran. I found it simpler than the Bible and thought Islam had an easier theology. I also met LGBT Muslims who told me that all the homophobia in religions were just bad interpretations, and if I picked verses from the Koran and interpreted them correctly I would see that it’s not homophobic at all — what now I call mental gymnastics, but that time it seemed pretty convincing. So, I studied a lot about Islam and read the Koran (just progressive translations, affirming studies), and then converted. I was kinda Koran-only nondenominational whatever, I don't even know what the hell I was, to be honest.
It filled the void. The years before my conversion, I was in a very dark place, as I said, very depressed. I wanted to die. I developed an eating disorder, drank too much, basically hated myself and my life, and religion gave me meaning, structure and a purpose in life. So, I held onto that as much as I could. I literally rejected everything I didn't like, saying things like Hadiths didn't make sense, or that religion would change, or that God is merciful, or that everything was wrong translations. I cherry-picked Islam to the most. I went this way a lot of years, and as time passed doubts became greater. Not only about the foundation of Islam or the lie I was telling myself, but about the idea of a god, a creator, the need for religion. Then everything started to fall apart.
Two years ago, I started going to therapy, and my life got better. I got better. I stopped being depressed, stopped considering suicide, started eating well, doing exercise for enjoyment, and not to change my body, getting sober, having a better self-esteem and having dreams, things to pursuit in life, appart from the religious duties (my only dream in life was to go to Hajj, study Koran, be a good Muslim, go to Paradise and please God). I discovered that I didn't need religion. I realized that, as I was getting better, I was starting to feel detached from God, religion and every form of spirituality. I realized that all I had for religion was some kind of emotional attachment.
It’s been a month since I’m out of religion (but it’s been months since I stopped believing and two years on my road to not needing religion), and I feel much better. I feel like finally I’m being honest with myself, with what I believe and with who I am. I’m a skeptical, rational and scientific person, not a blind believer. I’ve never been. I just needed something that I couldn't give myself, and religion and community did. I needed therapy, not God.
After six years in Islam and more years studying it, I can say it’s bullshit. Like every religion. I don't want to convert to any religion ever again. No Jesus, no Buddha, no Muhammad, no anyone. Just me and the life and world I have in front of my eyes. No energy, no soul, nothing. I feel at peace with it. I’m okay with oblivion, with death and with the nothingness. Sometimes, when it’s hard, or I’m afraid of not existing anymore after death and sad, I feel the urge to believe again, but I won’t. I have better coping mechanisms now. I now have a better life and I don't need an imaginary friend to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. My life is mine, even if it’s sometimes shitty. I don't need a cult anymore.