From Christian to Atheist

Coming from a Christian family, I have kept this bottled up long enough and need to share my story.
I have read the Bible cover to cover three times in my life. The first time was when I was a child of maybe 10 or 11 years. Even at that age, God struck me as a bipolar, sadistic tyrant. Every time I read the Old Testament, I remember thinking “I don’t even like this God, let alone want to worship him”. (I would later come to view the entire Old Testament as nothing more than a collection of myths and fables that only a brainwashed idiot would believe to be the actual word of God.)
But that only planted the seeds of Atheism. Where I became convinced that there is no God and the Bible is nothing more than a machination of mass control is in the terrible life that I have been forced to live. At age 15, I had thyroid cancer, and shortly after that my girlfriend was raped and murdered by her stepdad. At age 16, I developed a battle with severe and chronic insomnia that has been ongoing for the past 27 years, and counting. At age 17, I almost died from an infected cyst. This kind of bad luck, adversity, tragedy and tribulation would continue inexorably year after year.
It was the insomnia, though, that really destroyed my life, because it prevents me from living a normal life like everybody else. In 2018, it was determined to be a full disability by the Social Security Administration. I still work, but not without frequent suffering. It’s so bad that I’ve even had to sacrifice ever having a family or remarrying. I would rather be exhausted by myself than exhausted in front of my own kids, spouse/girlfriend or friends. I do have a few friends who understand what it is I have to go through, but most people don’t, and my relationships all end up derailed at some point by the insomnia.
When it started at the age of 16, I read the Bible from cover to cover for a second time. I got nothing out of the Old Testament, but in the New Testament I felt hope. I deluded myself into thinking that God or Jesus would help me, if I was a good person, a good Christian and prayed regularly. I prayed every single night for the insomnia to end, but after about a year of doing so with the insomnia still ongoing, I stopped wasting my breath.
In 2010, I gave Christianity and God a second chance. This time, I was surrounded by hypocritical Christians who figuratively weaponized their own myopic understanding of biblical verses, who used their faith to judge others (the antithesis of Christ) and treated membership at their church like an elitist country club. I decided that wasn’t for me, but I continued to worship in the privacy of my own home. Once again, my prayers went unanswered. I continued to endure one adversity after another, and my insomnia continued without relief.
They say “The Lord works in mysterious ways”, yet if I were to work in mysterious ways I would be unemployed. “God helps those who help themselves” is another zinger. If I’ve already helped myself, then WTF does God have to do?
After years of adversity and debilitating insomnia, I began to consider three possible conclusions:

• God is real, but so negligent in his duties as a supreme being and “a shepherd of his flock” that he has willfully ignored my prayers and allowed me to keep suffering (along with millions of others).
• God is a sadistic bully.
• God doesn’t exist, prayers go unanswered because there is no one listening and bad things happen purely by random chance.

I am doing my best to persevere. Despite being legally disabled, I run a business that provides services to other people with disabilities. I live alone, by choice, knowing that the torture and suffering of chronic sleep deprivation is a cross I have to carry alone. Only my ex-wife and a few other women have ever been able to weather it with me, and at this point I would rather suffer in silence, by myself, than be a burden on anyone else or have to exhaust myself even further by continuing to put on a false face (trust me, it is exhausting to do so day in and day out). The medical field has no answers or cures for my insomnia, neither does the psychological field, and it has been labeled “idiopathic” and “untreatable”.
Given all of this and all that I have endured, the sacrifice of so many dreams, plans and goals and the chronic torture and suffering of sleep deprivation, I can confidently state that there is no God and that we can only count on ourselves.